Deaths in South Korea

Death is unavoidable in any point of your life but to the last minute we would like to ignore the inevitable facts of life.

In the last few days to kind of deaths were one the news and both were very touching to me.
The first one was military related thing and involves serveral tens of daed bodies wtill down under the sunken war boat. The first one was the suicide of an actor whose sister, a famous actress as well, commited suicide about one and a half years ago leaving two children behind. There were issues about the custody and inheritance with the actress's ex-husband who was infamous for his affair and family violence. The custody was given to the mother of the actress that is the granny of the two little kids.

Both are very sad and made me down.

Suicidal thought has come to me really compressingly for several times with my depression. I am still on medication and am told better that I used to be but still suicide seems to me the easy answer at the deepest ditch of my depression period. When I am calm and feel relaxed I try to think about the thing that I live for. I sometimes write them down to remind myself of those. Actually that helps me a lot. The dead ones in the sunk ship do not have choice to live or die. But the one who commits suicide just deserts the alternatives. There is no reason to dump your alternatives now. There is no time limit for the choices you have to make. I want you who want to commit suicide to have the alternatives for some time more and give it a go for the life for some time even when you are desperate. Why hurry when you have two in our hand.

What to you want to be when you are grown up?

THis is the last question I would be asked as a woman of at the end of the in her forties. I amy not getting taller but wurely I am growing in many ways, which unfortunately does not mean in many cases that you are getting maturer.

Though nobody asks me what I will be in the future. I have dreams.

1. I want to be a children's story writer with my own illustration. I am interested in crochet and knitting. I am thinking of some crochet miniature illustration of teh children's books. I have no idea of stories yet but I do want to write about the stories for the children. This has been my dream since I had a child but the child is over 20 and I have been busy and hectic between the children, hose and study(I have finished my degree weh my first one is third grader.) and after that I was looking for a permanet full time job and after I had the job I was busy in corporating all the sork onto my life and my ability.

I am still very busy and but not that busy to dream that I want to be an chodrens' story writer and illustrator.


2. I want to learn Chinese. I can read and write chines characters quite a lot but speaking chinese is differen thing. I have practiced chinese pronunciation and would like to lear Chinese. I have learned some languages sice high school: German, French, Greek, Latin, Old Chinese characters, and Englihs and Korean(my mother tongue.


What you grown ups want to be in the future other than getting ages?

Springy spring things!

Spring is a burgeroning season and is for a long time for me the hardest season. Last week I forgot the appointoment with my psychiatrist and he was very worried becuase I told him that spring is very difficult for me at the former session. Of course there was nothing happened. And this year I planned to have spring flowers at home and bought crocus, daffodils, and hyacinth.

What is difficult about spring for me is to see and feel the fast changes all around me. In Korea, we begin new semester in March. When I was a student I should have faced the new environments and people at March and I always get sick at the first few days of each new school year. Now I have schoolage children and I myself teach in college. So I still have to face changes and unlike my younger times I am supposed to face them and help my kids and students to face the changes. I do not have any right to get sick and to be excused from the responsibilities.

I decided to make some breathing room by growing the bulbs at home(I live in a flat and do not have garden just like many Korean homes). I decide to enjoy the growth and deceasing of the bulbs. Daffodils and the hyacinth are gone and I am expecting the tulips. What is good about the bulbs are that they will be back next spring. They give me the painful sensation of the changes but the bulbs give me hope to see tham again next spring. This is very important. I have one more reason to survive the stingy spring again.